Let's hope 2009 treats me better.

*COPIED/PASTED FROM MY FACEBOOK NOTE.

For the most part, 2008 is absolutely THE shittiest year of my entire existence. Not necessarily the whole year was like this but I pretty much feel like half the year was like walking hand in hand with painful memories.

I AM proud though for having been able to actual MAKE it through til the end of the year because to be honest, there were so many times when I felt as though I'd have rather been dead than have to deal with everything over and over again. I took several incidents straight to the heart and blamed only myself. The last half of 2008 I spent a lot of time crying.

But with every thing else in life, I guess you gotta take it day by day. Pray to God, though I think I talk more than I do the formal praying. Most of the time in the middle of the night, when sleep fails to comfort me, I just talk out loud to God. And though I don't get actual conversation back, I feel better. I think one of the actual good things I got out of this year is about God always being there. I don't need a cellphone to text him or call him up. He never has a busy signal and he listens. Sometimes that's all you really need.

Something that I did do this year that I wanted to do (after reading last year's Goodbye07 blog) is somewhat accomplished but is definitely still an ongoing thing... "Forgive." After being burned by a few of my most trusted friends, forgiveness is hard to come by, especially when I've been here one/two/three? many times. Yes, I'm proud that I'm still around and literally didn't give up but I don't think I could ever take much more of this.

BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH
now i went and made myself feel all shitty. grr.

BUT - it's not like the WHOLE year was a waste kkay?

MY 2008 HIGHLIGHTS:

+ Working At DunkinDonuts (May07-July08)
+ Surprisingly, our Youth Sunday School (Jan08-April08): Got close again and it felt like back when we were younger without all the drama. Though, lately it just ain't the same. I did enjoy the youthness of our Sundayschools & of course, the XCLUESIV wknd @ Cranford/Edgewater)
+ NYC<3: iceskating at Rockefellar (Feb), saw the tree (5yearanni), ate at a fancy dressy place (MarriottMarquis), city date (March), MadameTussauds! (April), battery park with the cousins (May).. etc.
+ FINALLY catching on that SUSHI IS AMAZING. nomnomnom
+ UK to USA: my cousins from the UK came for AteLens wedding!
+ Feeling My Age: my21st, Disturbia, ColumbusDayWknd, GolfClubbin, etc.
+ LOL. MountainCreek. nuffsaid.
+ TRYING OUT FOR AMERICAN IDOL. damn proud of myself for that one.
+ Unitemp/ABP/MDI/Greenlight (July08-Nov08)
+ LOTS more time with Babe's fambam finally: birthdays, FourthOfJuly, my first time camping (July08), and roadtripping to NorthCarolina for THANKSGIVING WKND
+ MEETING KRISTEN STEWART & NIKKI REED of the TWILIGHT movie!
+ my FIRST/LAST clubbin (in america) experience: Deco=WACK haha but fun times gettin there
+ CELEBRATING 5 YEARS WITH ARCHIE, CityStyle.

okay. i feel better. haha.

YES this year hurt me, a lot. But I did come out with highlights.

BTW, I just finished reading Shopgirl by Steve Martin and I feel that this quote is quite a good wrapup to my year.. its at the end when Ray Porter is trying to apologize to Mirabelle for how he treated her..

Mirabelle: "Oh, no... don't... it's pain that changes our lives."

All in all, it is a definitive statement. Where else would the most change come from than in pain. You get hurt, sometimes it's overwhelming and you fall apart.. but it's when you get out of this mess that you find the much needed change.

So I agree..

It's pain that changes our lives.

TWILIGHT - Meeting Bella & Rosalie

BEFORE YOU STOP READING THIS WHOLE THING GUESS WHAT --- "Bella" & "Rosalie" SAID MINE & ARCHIE'S NAME AS ONE OF THE 3 QUESTION/ANSWER SESSION

so last Thursday night into Friday morning, my boyfriend and i spent the night at Garden State Plaza.. legally of course.

we were on line to get the wristband/ticket (only the first 500 were allowed!) to the autograph signing of Kristen Stewart (Bella) and Nikki Reed (Rosalie) of the Twilight movie, coming out November 21 2008. we got to the mall around 1130PM Thursday night. We were nervous we might've been the last people but luckily we were 55 & 56 out of the possible 500. It was slightly uncomfortable but managable being there for so long. We got comfortable in the limited space we had with our DS's and iPod and of course, the book Twilight.

I'm a newbie fan of the Twilight series but I can finally see and understand why everyone is so crazy about Edward Cullen. Twilight is such an amazing love story of its own and I can't wait to continue reading on.

Anyway, back to GSP. We had to smoosh ourselves a tad bit more when the next few HUNDRED people showed up. We were glad to not have been late in coming. It's funny because it was reminiscent of this summer when I had tried out for American Idol and had to wait on SUCH a long ass line the day of actual auditions (FYI: i didn't make the cut. but it was the experience of a LIFETIME).

Finally around 710AM Friday, the line began to move. I forgot to mention that in order to get the said wristband you would have to purchase the $30 Twilight Tour t-shirt. Each person was ALLOWED to purchase 2 TSHIRTS ($60 value) for 2 wristbands. So by the time we got our t-shirts and numbers, we went from #55 and #56 to #77 and #78. I was perfectly fine as long as I was in. They told us that the signing would be at 5PM and to be on the line in front of Hot Topic by 4PM. Okay, that was good with us!

We left GSP 730AM and got back to good old Union by 810AM.. where we proceeded to crash into bed. I woke up at like 1PM and got ready. Woke up the boyfriend and after getting late breakfast/lunch at 3PM at HuckFinnDiner.. we left for the signing.

Got there at 330PMish and went straight for the line.... which was HORRENDOUS. All the fans had to wait in the area for garbage or something. it was weird but everyone was so excited that it didnt bother them.. or at least, not us since we were basically in the front of the line.

SO blah blah blah.. we finally got to go in Hot Topic around 530PM. My boyfriend and I were giddy and so he let me go first to meet them. and seriously? THEY WERE ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS IN PERSON. haha. i was slightly starstrucked as the first words out of my mouth were "OMG. You guys are absolutely gorgeous" haha. They were really sweet and nice about it. Unfortunately it was a rushed meeting but when they handed me their autographs I said "The next guy is my own Edward Cullen." and they were like AW! So when I was walking away they were signing my boyfriend's posters and talking about him being my Edward Cullen. haha. When he got out he was so freakin happy. It was cute. He said they asked how long we were together (5 years) and Nikki/Rosalie said that she still has yet to find her own.

We waited at the mall for the Q&A session which would be at 7PM. They would be answering questions that the fans had written down for the session while we were waiting on line for the autographs. I had two different questions written down: "If you met Edward Cullen in real life, would you fall in love with him?" "If you were not chosen for the Bella/Rosalie, who do you think could potray the part?"... As for Babe, I wrote his question/request down: "Can you tell Jazmin, my girlfriend, that I love her? She's my Bella"..

The crowd was CRAZY and intense when Kristen/Bella and Nikki/Rosalie finally came out. Out of probably like 1000 questions they only answered I think 3. The first was "Are You Team Edward or Team Jacob"? They barely got an answer out since EVERYONE started chanting either JACOB JACOB or EDWARD EDWARD.. after than frenzy, the next was (MY FAVORITE PART OF THE DAY!!!) a request.. from ARCHIE!

They ACTUALLY read Archie's question/request! SERIOUSLY! The video is posted at the bottom of this (it's not my property! i didn't get to record much since i was shorter than almost.. everyone). They were smiling as they read it so I'm hoping they remembered meeting us from earlier. It was AMAZING to hear them say it. Haha. The whole crowd was all "AWWWW".. it was tres cute.

I think they only read one more thing afterwards and then left. it was insane pandemonium. After that they had to go ( it was too short!) .. I played the "stalker" bit and ran out with a bunch of intense fans as they left right after the short Q&A. Babe had a better view since he was on the other side of the street as they got in their car. I was stuck on my side of the street but they were really sweet and were even recording all the fans. haha.

So yeahh. that was my Friday night <3 life =")" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">

Make Money! $$$

so i was skeptical about starting up on CashCrate and I had to do a little research.

well, maybe not RESEARCH research but I did search "Cashcrate Scam" "Cashcrate Legit" "Cashcrate Real" on Google and Yahoo and MSN.com ...

and after hitting up about 25+ websites and forums... the result is..

LEGIT! *

i was surprised. im still not 100% a believer but we'll have to wait and see come December 15th when i SUPPOSEDLY get my first check. i've been doing surveys/freeoffers for about an hour and i'm trying to stick to the small change ($5.00 and under..)

if you want to try it out yourself here's a link..
http://www.cashcrate.com/899189

Reverie

rev·er·ie –noun
1. a state of dreamy meditation or fanciful musing: lost in reverie.
2. a daydream.
3. a fantastic, visionary, or impractical idea: reveries that will never come to fruition.

Another day that I crumbled beneath the sky
My regret is taking the place of all my dreams
It's all thats left to fill the void you left behind
But I, I guess I always had the choice
- Reverie the morning of

my life is a living hell right now. or actually, as of recent.

thanks to the mighty power of computer/internet hackers, a topless picture of me has been leaked onto my personal Facebook. oh yes, the power of networking has my picture all over it. i guess the only bright side to this nightmare was that i caught it after maybe only 20minutes of it being online. unfortunately, 20 minutes is enough for this hacker to ruin what's left of my life.

i had deactivated my Facebook though many have already seen the picture. it's embarassing but more hurtful to me because i believe the hacker is someone i know. unfortunately, they had gotten the picture by hacking into my personal E-mail as well. i did the necessary cautions, changed the passwords, looked in sent messages or trash, e-mailed Facebook Privacy, etc. i have no word yet on who this hacker might be but i swear.. sooo many people have given me support because of this and they are almost as pissed as me. so yay. the good thing is that i know whos got my back =)

so REVERIE. i'm lost in a daydream for now where nothing bad happened. i guess it's not always a bad thing especially when there's nothing good to look at with your eyes open. for now i'd rather keep them closed and just dream away...

Do You Know How To Touch A Girl?

LOL. i got this from one of Babe's friends' facebook notes. i thought it was funny/interesting. so hope whoever reads this enjoys this too.

How to Sexually Please Your Girl...

I can tell you guys that there are certain things you can do to make your wife/gf swoon. They aren’t difficult, anyone can do them and they are some of the sexiest things I can think of…and I have quite the imagination…

So. Are you ready? Are you all that is man? Wipe that drop of drool from the corner of your mouth and read on….


Technique #1 : Wet Hands

Yep, it is the wet hands technique. Certainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article. So simple. So exciting. You will leave her breathless.

* Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid. Not too many, you don’t want it to be harsh. There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you.

* With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.

* Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth across the surface of it..over and over again.

* Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.


Technique #2: Vibrate Me Baby

This technique utilizes what many women think of as toys… It is a little more difficult and takes a little more muscle. Extra credit on this one if you wear a black “wife beater” shirt at the same time. Are you man enough?

* Carefully pull the vacuum out of where it has been stored. You know you want to.

* Plug it in and push all the right buttons.

* Slowly move back and forth and back and forth across the carpet, you will know when to move to a new spot.

* Move to the next spot and repeat as long as it takes to get results.


Technique #3 : The Wet T Shirt Game

This game is pretty easy, although you will have to think quickly while in the midst of gettin’ your game on. If you can handle the amount of agitation and vibration in the first few minutes you will be o.k. until the end.


* You will need two piles…no I did not say poles, I said piles.

* Put everything white and light colored in one and everything dark colored in the other.

* Fill the washing machine with warm water and laundry soap (this is imperative…use the amount suggested by the manufacturer).

* Add the light pile. Close the lid.

* Write her a love letter about how great her eyes are while you are waiting for it to finish

* Repeat with the dark colors except use cold water.

* Quick note: If your wife is screaming “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Don’t stop what you are doing..that is called domesticus interruptus and it really is frustrating for women.


Technique #4: What Goes Up Must Come Down

This is best used as a quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can’t say no to this.

* When you put the toilet seat up….put it back down.

* Every time.

I know…I know.. you almost can’t take any more verbal titillation. Good thing this is a short list. This last one is amazing. It is incredible…it definitely saves the best for last.


Technique #5: Tonight It’s Oral Gratification

This will take some time to master. Work on it while using other techniques several times a week and then just expose your big secret to her when she least expects it. If you all ready know this technique you should be using it to it’s full potential by adding to your repertoire of tricks.

* Learn to cook a whole meal.

* When she has had a particularly rough day run her a bath, preferably aromatic with LUSH bath stuff.

* While she is bathing fix your incredible dinner (hot dogs and popcorn does not count)

* While she is still relaxed from the bath and satiated with dinner proceed to technique #1.



You don't have to thank me no..really.

Good luck guys.

insecure

i wish i was one of those girls who drop their insecurities at the door. but unfortunately for me, i am the complete opposite.

i am a walking talking ball of pentup emotions that are buried in this 'bubbly goofy geeky' fiscade. i'm not saying that i'm forever not who i let out to be but i hide so much of myself within so that i won't feel everything all the time.

does it make sense that once in awhile i just bawl my eyes out? sometimes i literally CANNOT fall asleep because the tears are practically never ending and i need to just sit up and talk out loud to God.

for instance, my insecurities mostly lie within the sincerity and honesty of my boyfriend. i want to say our relationship is perfect but it is clear to many it is not. though our MAJOR problem was over three years ago, it still leaves an imprint on my personality to be cautious about every little thing he says.

i don't want to but i still contemplate if being with him is the right thing to do for me. i KNOW, i KNOW, that i love him. my heart and mind are in total agreement to this fact. i wouldn't have stuck around and tried to tough it out if i didn't love him this way. yet i still question if he's as serious about this relationship as i am.

see? we're not perfect. tonight he's out celebrating his friend's birthday. i was invited but of course, i'm not allowed to be out past .. oh i dunno, 10PM? while my younger brother comes strolling in after 1AM after being out LAST night, not even coming home.

GAWWWWWWWWWWWW. my brother and me as COMPLTELY different issue.. so anywho

i feel like i just need ME time. but i can't quite figure out if the time i got at home holed up in my room counts as that? i dunno. i feel like i need to get away ALONE for even a day, half a day, to just gather my thoughts. cry it out. write it out. do SOMETHING?

either that or just get with people who are just like me? if that makes sense. i mean, i try to explain this to my closest friends but in a way they aren't my closest? i dunno.

i've got some really good friends that are detached from my every day problems which would make them the perfect candidates for a good vent session.

wannabe 01

take a shot of tequila and a shot for the flu
i like it virgin with a shirley, betta make it two
chillen at the bar with a couple twenties in my hand
spittin drunken words that only expert bartenders understand

walkin in with a girl is my most recent ex
does she realize that hes a playah always on the lookout for the next
just a number i was given, i was dyin never living
but it aint my fault so to myself all is forgiven

cus a dick can be a guy and its 'most valued' prize
a dick is also what they think with so all they lettin out is lies
its no surprise how quick he gets between a new girls thighs
only problem you cant tell if its asleep or if its alive



LOL. okay. i cant rap it but i spit it pretty good i must admit it. that all these lyrics that are leakin on my blogspot are pretty wicked. only when i do it real only when i get a feel. it gets addictin and seductive almost like its got sex appeal..

LOLOLOLOLOL. okay. im just kiddin with you.
i'm about to knock out anyway so SEEYAAA.

write away 01

though my hands grasp firmly into empty spaces, i find myself in an act of romantic suicide. tears bleeding onto my once rosy blushed cheeks, i whisper those damned words that kill me with every breath. it's OVER. i don't love you anymore. my mouth, poisoned with such lies, tremble as they fill with the salty tears that pollute my entire face.

your dark brown stare is so intense that my lies are beginning to disappear in the tensioned air. my lungs are yearning for a fresh breath of air but fear of confessing the truth keeps my mouth shut. silently, i cry for him to just walk away.

i close my eyes and just pray, beg, wish for him to leave already. my heart beats like thunder in my chest at the strength of my passion for him begins to escape me. please. don't go. the words quietly escape from my mouth.

a question of sincerity leaks into the air from his frosty glare.

unable to explain myself any furthur, i step back, afraid of the next few moments. yet as i take a step back, he takes a step towards me, leaning his beautiful face closer to mine.

i inch for stability but nothing is within my reach. instead, i find myself slowly falling to floor until..

he catches me.

as he always did. as he promised he always would.

to change

i am so many different things but in one word i am a MESS.



right now i'm all over the place with no real sense of direction, no true sense of a place to belong.

i thought that by the time i was 21 years old i'd have at least a PART of my life figured out. i thought that i would be in my last year of school as opposed to almost starting over. i had hoped to be getting engaged ( i know i'm so "young" ) but i'm just about to hit 5year anniversary dating. i expected to be saving SOO much money but i'm barely paying my bills.

i feel like a failure as a daughter. i dont reach their expectations of what a mature daughter would be. i dont clean up everything. i dont wash every dish. etc.

i'm a failed optimist too. i used to see things in rainbows and smiley faces all the time.

but now i'm just a downer. i've found a reality in my warped vision of my life.

i want to change. but i want to make sure it will be for the better.

a promise to myself is a hard thing to keep because i'm just so damn INDECISIVE.

but for now i'll try.

i want and will try to change.

i won't waste cash on food, clothes, and books that i dont need.

i'll try to be more attentive to my parents' needs.

jeez. this is going to be a bitch.

to live

pretty simple concept: make a list of things i'd like to accomplish/do before i can no longer.

activites --

skydive/handglide; parasail; ride in a hot air balloon; go to a hockeygame; see a live wrestling event; see a tennis match; go rockclimbing

simple --

watch the sunrise over the mountains; watch the sunrise/sunset on the beach; wake up next to my love; go clubbin in nyc; have a picnic in central park; spend a day at the movies (triple feature!); watch the aurora borealis

gutsy --

audition for American Idol; try to get a couple poems published; take a martial arts class; dye my hair/get a haircut; meet a celebrity (non Filipino)

once in a lifetime --

move out of my childhood home; graduate college; get married; get a tattoo during my honeymoon; have kids and/or adopt; do a dance-a-thon

visitations --

london, england; paris, france; australia; drive to canada with friends for a roadtrip; go camping; visit the west coast; see japan

AHH. there's much more but i got work in the AM so sleep is a must. gnite!