insecure

i wish i was one of those girls who drop their insecurities at the door. but unfortunately for me, i am the complete opposite.

i am a walking talking ball of pentup emotions that are buried in this 'bubbly goofy geeky' fiscade. i'm not saying that i'm forever not who i let out to be but i hide so much of myself within so that i won't feel everything all the time.

does it make sense that once in awhile i just bawl my eyes out? sometimes i literally CANNOT fall asleep because the tears are practically never ending and i need to just sit up and talk out loud to God.

for instance, my insecurities mostly lie within the sincerity and honesty of my boyfriend. i want to say our relationship is perfect but it is clear to many it is not. though our MAJOR problem was over three years ago, it still leaves an imprint on my personality to be cautious about every little thing he says.

i don't want to but i still contemplate if being with him is the right thing to do for me. i KNOW, i KNOW, that i love him. my heart and mind are in total agreement to this fact. i wouldn't have stuck around and tried to tough it out if i didn't love him this way. yet i still question if he's as serious about this relationship as i am.

see? we're not perfect. tonight he's out celebrating his friend's birthday. i was invited but of course, i'm not allowed to be out past .. oh i dunno, 10PM? while my younger brother comes strolling in after 1AM after being out LAST night, not even coming home.

GAWWWWWWWWWWWW. my brother and me as COMPLTELY different issue.. so anywho

i feel like i just need ME time. but i can't quite figure out if the time i got at home holed up in my room counts as that? i dunno. i feel like i need to get away ALONE for even a day, half a day, to just gather my thoughts. cry it out. write it out. do SOMETHING?

either that or just get with people who are just like me? if that makes sense. i mean, i try to explain this to my closest friends but in a way they aren't my closest? i dunno.

i've got some really good friends that are detached from my every day problems which would make them the perfect candidates for a good vent session.