insecure

i wish i was one of those girls who drop their insecurities at the door. but unfortunately for me, i am the complete opposite.

i am a walking talking ball of pentup emotions that are buried in this 'bubbly goofy geeky' fiscade. i'm not saying that i'm forever not who i let out to be but i hide so much of myself within so that i won't feel everything all the time.

does it make sense that once in awhile i just bawl my eyes out? sometimes i literally CANNOT fall asleep because the tears are practically never ending and i need to just sit up and talk out loud to God.

for instance, my insecurities mostly lie within the sincerity and honesty of my boyfriend. i want to say our relationship is perfect but it is clear to many it is not. though our MAJOR problem was over three years ago, it still leaves an imprint on my personality to be cautious about every little thing he says.

i don't want to but i still contemplate if being with him is the right thing to do for me. i KNOW, i KNOW, that i love him. my heart and mind are in total agreement to this fact. i wouldn't have stuck around and tried to tough it out if i didn't love him this way. yet i still question if he's as serious about this relationship as i am.

see? we're not perfect. tonight he's out celebrating his friend's birthday. i was invited but of course, i'm not allowed to be out past .. oh i dunno, 10PM? while my younger brother comes strolling in after 1AM after being out LAST night, not even coming home.

GAWWWWWWWWWWWW. my brother and me as COMPLTELY different issue.. so anywho

i feel like i just need ME time. but i can't quite figure out if the time i got at home holed up in my room counts as that? i dunno. i feel like i need to get away ALONE for even a day, half a day, to just gather my thoughts. cry it out. write it out. do SOMETHING?

either that or just get with people who are just like me? if that makes sense. i mean, i try to explain this to my closest friends but in a way they aren't my closest? i dunno.

i've got some really good friends that are detached from my every day problems which would make them the perfect candidates for a good vent session.

wannabe 01

take a shot of tequila and a shot for the flu
i like it virgin with a shirley, betta make it two
chillen at the bar with a couple twenties in my hand
spittin drunken words that only expert bartenders understand

walkin in with a girl is my most recent ex
does she realize that hes a playah always on the lookout for the next
just a number i was given, i was dyin never living
but it aint my fault so to myself all is forgiven

cus a dick can be a guy and its 'most valued' prize
a dick is also what they think with so all they lettin out is lies
its no surprise how quick he gets between a new girls thighs
only problem you cant tell if its asleep or if its alive



LOL. okay. i cant rap it but i spit it pretty good i must admit it. that all these lyrics that are leakin on my blogspot are pretty wicked. only when i do it real only when i get a feel. it gets addictin and seductive almost like its got sex appeal..

LOLOLOLOLOL. okay. im just kiddin with you.
i'm about to knock out anyway so SEEYAAA.

write away 01

though my hands grasp firmly into empty spaces, i find myself in an act of romantic suicide. tears bleeding onto my once rosy blushed cheeks, i whisper those damned words that kill me with every breath. it's OVER. i don't love you anymore. my mouth, poisoned with such lies, tremble as they fill with the salty tears that pollute my entire face.

your dark brown stare is so intense that my lies are beginning to disappear in the tensioned air. my lungs are yearning for a fresh breath of air but fear of confessing the truth keeps my mouth shut. silently, i cry for him to just walk away.

i close my eyes and just pray, beg, wish for him to leave already. my heart beats like thunder in my chest at the strength of my passion for him begins to escape me. please. don't go. the words quietly escape from my mouth.

a question of sincerity leaks into the air from his frosty glare.

unable to explain myself any furthur, i step back, afraid of the next few moments. yet as i take a step back, he takes a step towards me, leaning his beautiful face closer to mine.

i inch for stability but nothing is within my reach. instead, i find myself slowly falling to floor until..

he catches me.

as he always did. as he promised he always would.

to change

i am so many different things but in one word i am a MESS.



right now i'm all over the place with no real sense of direction, no true sense of a place to belong.

i thought that by the time i was 21 years old i'd have at least a PART of my life figured out. i thought that i would be in my last year of school as opposed to almost starting over. i had hoped to be getting engaged ( i know i'm so "young" ) but i'm just about to hit 5year anniversary dating. i expected to be saving SOO much money but i'm barely paying my bills.

i feel like a failure as a daughter. i dont reach their expectations of what a mature daughter would be. i dont clean up everything. i dont wash every dish. etc.

i'm a failed optimist too. i used to see things in rainbows and smiley faces all the time.

but now i'm just a downer. i've found a reality in my warped vision of my life.

i want to change. but i want to make sure it will be for the better.

a promise to myself is a hard thing to keep because i'm just so damn INDECISIVE.

but for now i'll try.

i want and will try to change.

i won't waste cash on food, clothes, and books that i dont need.

i'll try to be more attentive to my parents' needs.

jeez. this is going to be a bitch.

to live

pretty simple concept: make a list of things i'd like to accomplish/do before i can no longer.

activites --

skydive/handglide; parasail; ride in a hot air balloon; go to a hockeygame; see a live wrestling event; see a tennis match; go rockclimbing

simple --

watch the sunrise over the mountains; watch the sunrise/sunset on the beach; wake up next to my love; go clubbin in nyc; have a picnic in central park; spend a day at the movies (triple feature!); watch the aurora borealis

gutsy --

audition for American Idol; try to get a couple poems published; take a martial arts class; dye my hair/get a haircut; meet a celebrity (non Filipino)

once in a lifetime --

move out of my childhood home; graduate college; get married; get a tattoo during my honeymoon; have kids and/or adopt; do a dance-a-thon

visitations --

london, england; paris, france; australia; drive to canada with friends for a roadtrip; go camping; visit the west coast; see japan

AHH. there's much more but i got work in the AM so sleep is a must. gnite!